we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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