so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
