there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
