I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
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