hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
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I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
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I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
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