I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
