I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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