I saw his package. It spoke to me.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
