Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
