I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
