you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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