I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
