Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
