you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
