Your face is a jimmy john
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
