why didn't you poke me back
Can Purell be used as lube?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
