I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
