Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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