my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Is it because I queefed?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
