Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
