Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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