Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just invented taco cereal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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