He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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