I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
