It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
