Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
