I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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