I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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