so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
