He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
