Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I got inside last night via doggy door
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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