dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
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I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
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So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god