so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
