How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
