and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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