I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
