i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
