I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
