12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
It's rum buckets o'clock
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
