Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
