So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
