I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
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Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
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The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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