Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize