if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm having to shit out rocks
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