my shit smells like andre
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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