Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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