so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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