Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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