I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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