i love accidental penises.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
