Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
