wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
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You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
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after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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