Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
